A surprising announcement from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has even the most stalwart advocates for the new federal office doing a double-take. DOGE’s de facto leader Elon Musk has stated that the Department plans to distribute $1 million stimulus checks to every Republican in America. Citizens across the political spectrum are scrambling to understand how the partisan payout could possibly be legal – and also how they can get their hands on the funds.
Here’s what we know about the checks.
Earning passive income doesn’t need to be difficult. You can start this week.
‘Efficiency Dividend’
The bombshell announcement was unveiled by DOGE in a 3 a.m. press release on Tuesday, April 1. The statement framed the massive cash distribution as an “efficiency dividend” resulting from the department’s cost-cutting measures since January.
“We’ve saved the government so much money that we’re giving it back to the people who elected us,” declared Musk during an impromptu press conference held in the back of a Cybertruck on the White House lawn. “Every registered Republican will receive exactly one million dollars. That’s efficiency!”
When reporters pointed out that there are roughly 74 million Republican voters — meaning the total payout would exceed $74 trillion, or more than three times the national debt — Musk simply shrugged.
“Numbers are just, like, suggestions,” he said. “How we’ll pay for this is up in the ai.
Registration Frenzy
Voter registration offices nationwide have reported being overwhelmed following the announcement. So far, some county clerks have confirmed a 500% increase in registration forms compared to the 2024 election cycle. That number is only expected to go up as news of the payout spreads.
“We’re expecting a major influx of Republican voters,” said Marge H., a volunteer at the Maricopa County election office.
Political Reaction
Republican lawmakers praised the initiative. Sen. Ted Cruz, a Republican from Texas, told reporters he’s already shopping for a second private jet, while Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Republican from Georgia, has reportedly hired an entire Broadway cast to perform a private show of “Beetlejuice” the musical.
“This is exactly what the Founding Fathers intended,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson, who was seen browsing mega-yacht catalogs during a budget hearing. “It’s right there in the Constitution — life, liberty and a million bucks if you vote the right way.”
Democrats, meanwhile, have responded with predictable outrage. “This is blatant voter bribery and possibly the most egregious abuse of government power I’ve ever witnessed,” fumed Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer before asking an aide if changing his party registration would disqualify him from the payout.
Implementation Questions
The specifics of how DOGE plans to distribute these funds remain murky at best. Musk suggested the payments would be made via “a combination of Dogecoin and X credits.” Republicans who are seeking to get their stimulus in U.S. dollars may remain disappointed.
APRIL FOOLS! This article is entirely satirical and was published on April 1, 2025. The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is not distributing $1 million stimulus checks to anyone, regardless of political affiliation, and all quotes and information in this piece are fictional.
Source| GOBankingRates